Broken
by Kay the Cricketed
Summary: My first Jyoushiro! (There aren't enough of these...) So... enjoy! Koushiro has somethin' to tell Jyou... but how will HE take it? (Warnin' for y'all's own good- YAOI! JYOUSHIRO! ^_^ And my muse, Daisuke...


Broken  
  
By Kay  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Digimon or "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. YET. ^_^   
  
Daishiro: ::yawn:: Another world domination plan, Kay?  
  
Kay: Yup.  
  
Author's Notes: Songfic... er... it's... I think, at least, it'll be Jyoushiro. My first! Whoo-hooo!! DON'T KILL ME IF IT SUCKS!!!!!!!!! By the way- the song words are closed in the "~" things! Thoughts are in the ' things. ^_^ Enjoy!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~And I'd give up forever to touch you~  
  
~Cause I know that you feel me somehow~  
  
Koushiro Izumi fidgetted uncharacteristically, shifting his weight in an uncomfortable fashion as he stared down at the dark green grass under his feet. It was still damp from the light rain the hour before, the same rain that had forced the group to stop and seek shelter.  
  
He cleared his throat, his heart pounding in his chest so loud he thought everyone in the Digiworld could probably hear it.   
  
"What's wrong, Koushiro?" asked the older blue haired teenager in front of him. Jyou looked down at the young genius in slight concern. Koushiro's fiery red hair was still wet, the droplets settling on his face. His dark eyes were serious, almost nervous. Something the others had rarely seen in him.  
  
"Nothing's wrong," he said, shaking his head. "I just... I would appreciate it if you'd go on a walk with me." Koushiro blushed slightly. "I would like to talk to you, if that's okay."  
  
Jyou raised an eyebrow at the unusual request but nodded easily. "Okay."  
  
Koushiro's eyes flew up to his face and he smiled shyly.  
  
'I hope I'm doing the right thing...'  
  
~You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be~  
  
~And I don't wanna go home right now~  
  
They walked in silence, comfortable to just walk side by side in the misty afternoon. Jyou allowed himself to relax for once, caught up in the peaceful demeanor of the woods. For once, no evil Digimon chasing after them. Just quiet.  
  
Koushiro refused to look at the older boy, but at the same time allowed himself to relax as well in his presence.  
  
Only here had he ever felt safe. How could he not? Jyou was strong, more than he seemed, in many ways. He was reliable and steady and he cared...  
  
Only here had he ever felt wanted.  
  
Even loved.  
  
Koushiro took a deep breath, building up his resolve with determination.   
  
No matter what happened...  
  
It would be worth it if the outcome meant he could stay in this place by his side forever. It was where he belonged. He just hoped with all he had inside of him that Jyou felt the same way. He didn't care if it was wrong or illogical to love him. He did, and that was all the difference. It'd taken a long time to work up the courage. Even longer to admit it to himself, of course.  
  
Finally, unable to take the strain of silence any longer, Koushiro slowed to a stop. The woods around them had spaced into a clearing, the tall trees that used to block the sun parting somewhat to let them see a hint of the sky that was above them. Judging from the grey cloudy mass, it would start raining again any moment.  
  
"So what did you want to talk about?" asked Jyou, as if reading his mind. "If we stay out here to long, we could catch pnenomia or something." He glanced at his younger friend and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose again.  
  
"I..."  
  
~And all I could taste is this moment~  
  
~And all I can breathe is your life~  
  
"What is it?" repeated Jyou. He stared at the speechless figure in front of him, looking incredibally lost and awkward.   
  
"I... I..." stammered Koushiro. 'Why can't I tell him?'  
  
"Yes?" pressed Jyou curiously. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion, now worried. He'd never seen Koushiro struck without words, much likes like this-- hesitant? Shy? When was the holder of the crest of knowledge any of those things?  
  
"I-I think I love you," blurted Koushiro.  
  
Silence in the clearing.  
  
Jyou stood in shock, unable to answer or react to the bold statement. He looked at Koushiro with wide eyes, thoughts whirling madly through his head.  
  
'He... loves me?'  
  
Unnerved by the silence, Koushiro shrunk back slightly, babbling. "I mean, that is, you're my best friend and everything, I know, and I know you might not feel the same, but I was really hoping you- you would, I mean, because I really think I love you, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but-"  
  
"I-I don't love you, Koushior" Jyou blurted out with as much tact as Tai, if not less. Koushiro froze.  
  
Seeing his expression, Jyou rambled on nervously, as if itching to get away.  
  
"You're my best friend, too, and everything, but I'm not- I'm not like *that*. I'm really sorry, but I-I've got to go-- Tai told me earlier that he, um, um needed help with, the firewood, ahm..."  
  
Panicking, he stumbled off, leaving Koushiro alone, staring after him with an anguish expression.  
  
To late, he whispered. "Jyou... I'm sorry."  
  
~But sooner or later it's over~  
  
~I just don't wanna miss you again~  
  
Slowly, after what felt like hours, Koushiro blinked back tears that threatened to spill over. The shock wearing off, he slowly collapsed to his knees, shaking slightly with emotion pain he could barely hold in. He'd become an expert at reinging in pain. But this was to much at once. It hurt to much.  
  
The rain started to sprinkle lightly again, cool and fresh against his skin. It made goosebumps rise on his arms, making him feel even more empty and cold.  
  
Well, he'd taken the chance...  
  
And lost.  
  
~And I don't want the world to see me~  
  
~Cause I don't think that they'd understand~  
  
~When everything's meant to be broken~  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
God, what had he done?  
  
Trembling from hidden emotions for the past years, and from the most recent blow of pain he'd acquired, Koushiro finally bowed his head and allowed himself to cry. Shaking, shuddering cries held back in his throat that begged to be released.  
  
Hot blinding tears mixing in with the cool rain ran down his face, clouding his vision as he choked back unsuccessfully on sobs that shook his small body violently.  
  
He'd known it might turn out like this.  
  
So why did it hurt so much?  
  
Why, then, did his heart feel like shattered chunks of debris? He'd known this was a possibility. He thought he could accept it gracefully...  
  
Rejection. He should have been used to it by now. The cold despair and pain had visited him more than once in his life- rejection from his friends, the world itself, and his biological parents. Whoever they were.  
  
It hurt worse everytime. This was the most- because he knew, with grim agonizing certainty, that he didn't *really* expect it. Not matter how many times he told himself so. On the surface, he'd instructed himself to be prepared for it, it'd happened so many times before that. He should be ready to face it again. But deep down inside, the place he hid from everyone, even himsel, he still hadn't expected it. He *wanted* Jyou to love him, he *needed* it. He'd continued to believe hope against hope.  
  
Now, all he'd done and succeeded in was destroying their frienship.  
  
Now he couldn't even have the pleasure and bliss of *that* lifeline.  
  
'You idiot, you knew it would turn out like this... why'd you do it? You shouldn't have said anything at all.'  
  
'Now Jyou hates you.'  
  
At this, he burst into a fresh round of tears, releasing his inner torment and the strangled wail caught in his throat.  
  
The rain covered it and swallowed his cry.  
  
~And you can't fight the tears that ain't comin'~  
  
~Or the moment of truth in your lies~  
  
Jyou slowed from his run into a messy stop about five minutes later, breathing deeply, glasses knocked somewhat askew. Shaking a little big, he righted them back on his face, his mind still filled with jumbled thoughts and feelings he couldn't explain. Didn't want to explain. Ones he couldn't even being to sort out if he wanted to anyway.  
  
One was definatly relief. To get away from the hurt on his friend's face at his words, and the confession that had made him say them. He didn't want to show his unnerved hesitation about it, but...  
  
Another he recognized was guilt. For running away with a stupid lie no idiot would believe, leaving without explaining anything. He left him alone.  
  
Guilt for hurting him.  
  
Jyou felt raindrops fall on his face. He blinked before he realized it was raining.  
  
Yes, it was raining.  
  
He stared down at the floor of the forest dejectively. He knew he didn't love Koushiro, not in the aspect that he had anyway. But he was his friend, and he shouldn't have run out on him like that. He'd just panicked...  
  
"So much for the Crest of Reliability," he whispered sadly.  
  
He didn't love Koushiro but that didn't mean it didn't hurt to hurt him. He cared for the younger Digidestined too much to want to do that.  
  
Unknown to the holder of Reliability, a single tear fell down his cheek.  
  
Yes, it was raining.  
  
~When everything feels like the movies~  
  
~Yeah, you bleed just to know your alive~  
  
The holder of Knowledge stood on the outridge over a deep lake not far from the clearing where he'd broke down such a little time ago. The group had passed it earlier in the day, but since the chasm of water was surrounded by high rocky cliffs, it would ahve been to much trouble that what it was worth to climb all the way down.  
  
Climbing was not part of Koushiro's plan.  
  
The rain was falling heavier, pourin down harshely. Koushiro blinked hard against his solomn tears and the salty rain droplets gathering on his eyelashes. The water was a brilliant dark blue, the surface covered in small ringlet splashes for each drop that hit from the sky.   
  
He took an automatic step closer to the edge.  
  
Why not end it all? Who wanted him here, after all? Not his parents. They lied to him for years, never telling him the truth. It was if they were strangers in his life. And the others-- Tai, Matt, Sora, Mimi, TK-- they might miss him. But they'd get over it. To them, he was useless for everything except working out puzzles on his computer. They'd survive.   
  
And... Jyou would probably be glad he was gone.  
  
Swallowing a lump in his throat, he looked down at his chosen path.  
  
In a way... this was his only salvation.  
  
His redemption for being so useless and wrong. A mistake. For making so many mistakes, too.  
  
His final prayer.  
  
Taking a deep breath, the sweet fresh smell of rain and forest filling him, he thought of Jyou. The familiar blue hair and reassuring smile. The way he held himself, and even those ridiculous glasses. His bravery when they needed him, his constant fussing.  
  
Closing his eyes, he kept that image in his mind. His heart warmed even through the bone chilling cold, a piece of contentment in knowing this was the only way he had to go now.  
  
Someday Jyou would grow up and become whatever he wanted to be. He'd marry some girl, maybe Mimi even, and they'd have a great amount of kids. He'd be happy.   
  
It was a future without himself in it. And Jyou would be happy.  
  
'I love you, Jyou. I always will.'  
  
With that, Koushiro Izumi stepped off the edge of the cliff.  
  
~And I don't want the world to see me~  
  
~Cause I don't think that they'd understand~  
  
Jyou sighed, letting his head rest on his knees, the rain pouring around him.  
  
He regretted everything he'd done. It'd been done all wrong-- in a hurtful way that no doubt caused pain to Koushiro. Although he my not love him, that gave him no right to treat him like a freak. He just hoped that he would forgive him.  
  
Decision made to apologize and have a long talk, he stood in determination and went back to where he'd last seen Koushiro. Retracing his steps, shivering and clutching his shoulder vest to him, he glanced around the empty clearing.  
  
No one.  
  
"Oh man... he just couldn't stay here, could he.." grumbled Jyou, catching back some of his normal nature of complaining. He wiped his glasses devoid of rain water. "I'm gonna get a cold..."  
  
He turned to go back to camp, hoping Koushiro would have gone back there since it seemed to be the most rational place to be. That's when his gaze accidentely traveled over the ground and saw the tracks.  
  
Still there, even filled with murky water, against the mud were the imprints of a size 8 tennis shoe with lightening bolt molds.  
  
Jyou smiled and ran in that direction, recognizing the familiar route.  
  
'He went to the pool... Well, that's as good a place as any I guess...'  
  
~When everything's meant to be broken~  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
Jyou stumbled through the undergrowth, finally reaching his destination with a sigh of rellief. Glancing up, he called out to the missing person.  
  
"Koushiro? Koushiro where are you?!"  
  
There was nothing but the sound of water hitting water in the misty waterfall's premises. Jyou sighed and stoof up, brushing his shorts off. Not much of a help as it was raining.  
  
"Koushiro! Listen, we need to talk!"  
  
Again, silence. Jyou slowly frowned, and l ooked around the ground for more tracks as he continued to call out. "Koushiro! I'm really sorry, I just want..."  
  
He spotted the tracks and stopped shouting, muttering, "Ah-hah!" under his breath. They were more faded, but still there. He followed them out onto the cliff, half wondering if the quiet computer boy had attempted climbing down actually.  
  
He followed the tacks to the point of...  
  
"Oh, God no..."  
  
Right off the steep cliff side.  
  
"No, no, oh god," he whispered in horror. Quickly, distorted and scared, he screamed out into the misty air. "KOUSHIRO!"  
  
Jyou gulped for air, his heart racing faster than imaginable.  
  
'God no , anyone but Koushiro, it could've been anyone but him-- please let this be a sick joke...'  
  
'It- he can't die!'  
  
'He CAN'T!'  
  
Jyou took a deep breath, a strange calm sweeping over him, drowning the screaming fear that was trying to overtake him. He stood, stepping back, away, away from the cliff. The mud was heaping around his shoes, but he stepped back.  
  
Then dove off into the cold depths below.  
  
~And I don't want the world to see me~  
  
~Cause I don't think that they'd understand~  
  
~When everything's meant to be broken~  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
It was cold.  
  
That was the first shock to Jyou's system as he plunged into the dark awters on whim. It was freezing-- his finger tips felt like numb ice cicles, his arms stiff and wooden. His hair flaoted around him, and his view was distorted hafly because glasses didn't work out so well underwater and half because he could barely see through the murk of the pond.  
  
It suddenly occurred to him that he couldn't swim.  
  
'Oh, s***...'  
  
Panicking, he almost sucked the thick water into his lungs, flailing his arms. At the last moment, a rational part of his mind forced him to remember the useless lessons he'd acquired when he was five on swimming and to actually use them. He quickly broke the surface awkwardly, gulping in air to his starving body.  
  
The unrational part of his mind made him delve right back in.  
  
He had to save Koushiro.  
  
It wouldn't be to late.  
  
It *couldn't.*  
  
He forced himself deeper, getting desperate and frightened. He had no clue what he was even doing-- his swimming was an awkward mess, hard enough to get to the surface again, hated water, hated cold, hated-  
  
Wait.  
  
Calming himself, he squinted through the water blearily.  
  
There- a flash of orange in the dark blue twilight waters.  
  
'KOUSHIRO!'  
  
Struggling with hysterical inner screaming to get out of the water itself, he swam to the left, deeper, and spotted his friend through the dim darker regions just barely. His friend's limp body was drifted over a rock jutting out of the pond side, the hair floating like a ghost. Jyou grabbed his shirt, clutched the fabric as his lungs threatened to burst, crying out for air in hot white pain.  
  
Pulling and kicking wiht all his might, he slowly made it to the surface. Fulping in air, the blue haired, soaked and chilled teenager shoved a limp Koushiro towards a small outcropping, and lifted him onto it. Almost exhausted beyond imagination, Jyou heaved himself over it, a complete mess of soggy clothes and blurred glasses.  
  
The rain had slowed, but he gave it no notice as he rolled Koushiro's body over in a scared despair. Jyou winced at the pale unnatural white of his parlor and faded life within him.  
  
"K-koushiro..."  
  
~And I don't want the world to see me~  
  
~Cause I don't think that they'd understand~  
  
For once in his life, Jyou felt like sobbing miserably.  
  
'I can't lose him now...'  
  
'I can't give up.'  
  
'I love him!'  
  
'I. Love. Koushiro. Izumi.'  
  
'I LOVE YOU, KOUSHIRO!'  
  
Bending quickly, that phrase repeating in his mind continually in a warm rush of truth, Jyou listened to Koushiro's chest.  
  
No breath. No pulse.  
  
'CPR, you have to try CPR!'  
  
He bent his head, arranged Koushiro's face, and placed his lips against his.  
  
So cold.  
  
No life.  
  
'No.' He blew air into his friend, his best friend, the love of his life, blew into his lungs, then straightened and flattened his hand on the boy's chest. Pushed. Again.  
  
Again.  
  
'I won't let you die...'  
  
Again.  
  
'I'm so sorry- just come back to me.'  
  
Again.  
  
'Let me have a chance to tell you!'  
  
Again.  
  
'I love you- I love you-'  
  
Again.  
  
'I always will.'  
  
Ag- Koushiro jerked. Fell still for a mere second when Jyou's heart seemed to stop, then jerked again uncontrollably and spasmed. Jyou flet a ray of hope raise inside.  
  
"Kouishiro-"  
  
Dark black eyes flew open, shocked and pained. His mouth gaped, and suddenly he was choking hard. Jyou quickly sat him up and bent his head down, allowing the seawater to come bubbling out from his lungs, passing through his lips.  
  
After he threw up weakly, he fell back into Jyou's relieved arms, coughing.  
  
"J-J..."  
  
~When everything's meant to be broken~  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
"Shh..." Jyou whispered, his eyes lighting up with relief as he placed a finger to the young boy's cold lips. "You need to save your strength..."  
  
Koushiro's eyes fluttered, sorrow, confusion, and pain all mixing together in their unfathomless depths. He let Jyou hold him tightly against him in a warm embrace, as his body shivered with intense cold and denial.  
  
"Y-y-you... saved m-me..." mumbled Koushiro through chilled lips in surprise.  
  
"Thank god," whispered Jyou, choking on a well-hid sob. "Thank god... I thought I'd lost you forever..."  
  
Tears filled Koushiro's eyes. "Why?"  
  
Jyou rocked him back and forth, laughing and crying at the same time. "B-because I had to tell you something..."  
  
Koushiro asked him with his eyes.  
  
Jyou kissed him lightly on the lips, putting a hand to his clammy face. "I love you." He repeated it in wonderment and joy.  
  
"I love you."  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
~I just want you to know who I am~  
  
Koushiro felt lightheaded. "Y-you..."  
  
"I love you." Jyou stared deeply into his eyes, all laughter vanishing in them. "I never meant to hurt you, my Kou-kun. I was just afraid, confused. It won't ever happen, not again."  
  
Tears finally spilled from Koushiro's eyes, and his voice shook as he asked, "You mean th-that?"  
  
"More than anything," Jyou admitted. "I'm sorry it took such desperate measures to make me realize it..."  
  
"You love me...?" Koushiro whispered again, in childlike disbelief and hope. His heart almost wouldn't believe, wouldn't let itself heal and take what it craved. It was so hard to believe now...  
  
"Always." Jyou smiled- the rain was practically blinding him, but the boy he helf in his arms was still the most beautiful sight in the world right then.  
  
"I love you too, Jyou." Koushiro curled up into him weakly.  
  
"I know... I'm so glad you're safe."  
  
"With you, how c-can I not be?"  
  
Koushiro's eyes glowed with joy as he smiled.  
  
~I just want you to know who I am...~  
  
After two days, several kisses, cuddling and apologizes, Koushiro lay wrapped up in the warm arms of the boy he loved. The sun was warm on their faces, as well as the bark of the tree they leaned against.  
  
"Jyou?" Koushiro asked sleepily.  
  
"Hmm?" Jyou looked down on him with a smile and brushed a lock of spiky red hair out of his face.  
  
"When did you learn to swim?"  
  
~~~~~~~  
  
The End~  
  
Kay: .... that really really was bad.  
  
Daisuke: ::grins:: Told ya- pay up! NOW!  
  
Kay: NEVER!!! ::snaps his goggles and grins sadistically::  
  
Daisuke: Or... I'll SING!!!  
  
Kay: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! ::faints::  
  
Silence.  
  
Daisuke: ... Kay?  
  
~~~~~~~ 


End file.
